whoaaaa
back ! its been quite a break. have set my house in order, ticked off a couple of things in my to-do list, taken a tiring but very scenic road trip and have finally got everyone settled into their routines. And i am back !
there is so much that has been going on in my mind past couple of days...lot of new experiences and perspectives that come with visiting new places and people...i have been trying to assimilate all and figure out what is it that i want to write about next.
but... i am overwhelmed. and scared ! i just read sometime back that a new blog is written every half a second...now that's a very scary statistic. for a beginner like me its like taking the wind out of your sails. added to it is the fact that i have started questioning what is it that i am doing here in the first place !! i feel like a village idiot trying to get his bearings in a vast, complex city. and its true...this blog-sphere is so overpowering and like i said overwhelming. there is just so much being written and shared every single minute. such prolific writers, such amazing blogs... great content ! for starters i dont even know which category my blog falls into... is it philosophy, current affairs, social issues, personal, spiritual... i think its one giant goofball all rolled into one !
i wish i knew if it was making some small difference..somehow. a value addition perhaps ! pardon these cliches but being a management graduate, you start measuring every output of yours in terms of its potential profit and loss. is it really something i can own upto when i go for my next alumni meet and amidst a pile of fancy visiting cards with really important designations, i turn around and say smiling....i write a blog ! all i know as of now is that i am giving myself a chance... writing gives me some self worth and makes me happy. i am willing to wait and see where it goes....
i have friends...remarkable bloggers writing equally remarkable blogs ! travel, fashion and lifestyle, book reviews, food... they are doing it all. and probably being read on a global scale. and it makes me curl up even more. but i know for a fact that these kind of blogs need dedication and commitment akin to a full time job. and undivided time is something that's hard for me to dispense....atleast right now. being a hands on stay at home mum with no outside help is a full time job in itself. and some days just end up being so demanding that all you want to do is to sleep. or probably sneak out of the door while everyone is asleep and be gone for a day :) now i am not writing this for want of some sympathy....women around the world are doing this day after day. but it so happens that when you have been running your house on your finger tips for years and being responsible for every single thing down to detail......letting go is a difficult phrase to live by. you don't just make a home, you start breathing it !delegation doesn't happen easily....overlooking and compromising stop being your good traits and priorities shift.... big time. hence my little snooty statement about not having time ! but i have started the process....meanwhile i cannot do a shoddy job of committing myself to something that i know i cannot sustain. or do justice to. just like we believe that an arrow once shot doesn't come back, similarly a spoken word can never be taken back. and a written word bears the weight of your conscience and your integrity !. thus i cannot tell you which book to read, where to travel or what to wear !
which brings me to this. for the longest time i kept wondering if i have been correct in naming my blog. heart of the matter. born with an opinion. is it a true reflection of me or my writings? and then i realized its who i am. born with an opinion.... these four words have defined me all my life. call it a side effect of being the eldest child of talented, independent, liberal parents. Dad a gifted writer and expressionist, mom a fearless orator ! the genes hit me the hardest. and now when i look back i realize i not only had an opinion throughout, i never shied from voicing it loud...since the time as a 8 year old i told my grandfather matter of factly that i wont cover my legs just because i am a growing girl. even though i was totally incapable of undersatnding his intentions at that young age, i made it a point to speak out. and the rest of my growing years can easily be imagined ! wrecking my father's car and then looking him squarely in the eye, telling him thats how he learnt to drive too and hence he cannot withhold my right to drive to silent dinners at the table through my teenage because of my insolence and out spokenness, our family has seen it all. it is here that i really want to acknowledge my parents for not suppressing my free will....though i admit that was not exactly an ideal behaviour on my part. and my opinionated head has cost me a lot in life, i know.
but what i also know is that having an opinion means having a mind. while it does spell trouble in young years, it also makes you capable of being empowered and independent in adult life. it gives me the power to feel and the will to do. from deciding the color on my walls to challenging ideologies, i have an opinion and the might to carry it on. i speak out when my dear friend is overwhelmed and exhausted after having a baby and is spiraling into depression while her husband decides to underplay it and i speak out when as a society we victimize the innocent and indulge the culprit or happily choose to avert the gaze when faced with uncomfortable realities.
and so i believe this opinionated head and heart of mine is capable of making a difference. it could be just me...or my own small world. or maybe there would be a day when i will make a huge difference. i believe in all sincerity that a single written word can awaken a collective conscience. as long as there is hope i shall write. i might meet a similar minded individual along the way and our efforts would double. i might also meet people with contradictory views and difference of opinions. either way....there would be a debate. and people will speak out.
thats what writing is all about, isnt it ? it makes you sit up and think... and there.... you have an opinion !!
